Vendredi, septembre 11, 2009
We spoke the other day about blank moments—we all experience them, at some point or another, usually more than once if we’re lucky. He told me that he’d spent a lot of time thinking, speaking, and writing about these ecstatic moments during which he almost feels as if his self or his sense of integrity had evaporated. Though that’s really not the best way to put it, he said, since I can only feel the loss of something if I’m conscious that it’s gone. — That’s not the feeling, no, far from it; that’s just what I feel after the fact, he went on. —Sometimes, when I’m reading a book, I get the sense that whatever it is that elicits the feeling in me is lying dormant somewhere in the text. But, usually, once I’m aware that I’m chasing after it, that feeling, it starts to recede even quicker. It’s kind of like a fog on the road that’s always a few feet in front of you and no matter how fast you try to drive up to it it stays in front of you, teasing you like the carrot in those cartoons that hang from a stick, tied to a dog’s head; the dog chases after it, and maybe he even knows it’s useless to do so, but he still does it. —Whenever I actually feel it though, I know that IT is grabbing me, and not the other way around; I’m never the one in control, it comes and goes whenever it feels like it. I can usually tell when it’s coming; but at this point, when it’s inchoate, and… almost wraithlike, if that makes sense, I have to be very careful about not accidentally chasing it off. I know that if I start think about it it’ll dissolve on the spot; so I try not to think about it—the hardest part is not thinking about trying not to think about it. But once it finally hits, I don’t worry anymore, I can’t worry—not even about worrying that I’m going to worry. Once it’s percolated through me entirely, I just stop thinking; not necessarily because I’m unable to think… I guess it’s because I feel so completely full, literally and figuratively, that there’s no reason to think… no reason to worry, wonder, or speculate about anything.

We spoke the other day about blank moments—we all experience them, at some point or another, usually more than once if we’re lucky. He told me that he’d spent a lot of time thinking, speaking, and writing about these ecstatic moments during which he almost feels as if his self or his sense of integrity had evaporated. Though that’s really not the best way to put it, he said, since I can only feel the loss of something if I’m conscious that it’s gone. — That’s not the feeling, no, far from it; that’s just what I feel after the fact, he went on.

—Sometimes, when I’m reading a book, I get the sense that whatever it is that elicits the feeling in me is lying dormant somewhere in the text. But, usually, once I’m aware that I’m chasing after it, that feeling, it starts to recede even quicker. It’s kind of like a fog on the road that’s always a few feet in front of you and no matter how fast you try to drive up to it it stays in front of you, teasing you like the carrot in those cartoons that hang from a stick, tied to a dog’s head; the dog chases after it, and maybe he even knows it’s useless to do so, but he still does it.

—Whenever I actually feel it though, I know that IT is grabbing me, and not the other way around; I’m never the one in control, it comes and goes whenever it feels like it. I can usually tell when it’s coming; but at this point, when it’s inchoate, and… almost wraithlike, if that makes sense, I have to be very careful about not accidentally chasing it off. I know that if I start think about it it’ll dissolve on the spot; so I try not to think about it—the hardest part is not thinking about trying not to think about it. But once it finally hits, I don’t worry anymore, I can’t worry—not even about worrying that I’m going to worry. Once it’s percolated through me entirely, I just stop thinking; not necessarily because I’m unable to think… I guess it’s because I feel so completely full, literally and figuratively, that there’s no reason to think… no reason to worry, wonder, or speculate about anything.


Publié à 13:28 7 notes

Notes

  1. bmkk a publié ce billet